Guard Up

"There's only one way to convince me that someone's life is going down the shitter; and that's their continuous posts of how amazing their life is going."

- Quoted from a friend of mine on Facebook.  True point.

Time to let you step inside another depth of me for a moment.  But, if you think I'm going to jump on my blog to just mud-sling my (now) former boyfriend, then you have got another thing coming.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with him, and in many ways I feel inferior to him.  I just gave up my best friend, and I do miss that part of it all so much.  Don't get me wrong though; day by day I still very much stand by my decision to be on my own and do some things for myself.  I hope he and I both find peace with this someday, because I want so badly for him to do things for himself and be truly happy, too.

Sure, we could have made it work.  We could have gotten married; bought a house; a dog; had 2.5 kids and a family minivan and the rest of the average American statistics.  But it just would not quite have been real for either of us. And I want real.

Can't you find that person that can be your best friend, but also just make your toes curl?

Honestly, I think I am more stupefied by the reactions from my family and friends back home as I have had to come forward and break the news.  Their reactions.  That has been the bigger hurt for me.  That is what has now caused me to keep my guard up.

And that is more what this post is about.

I have had one girlfriend act so exasperated and question why two young engineers, engineers with jobs at Honda, that are polite to one another, can co-exist together, make it work for three years, cannot just get married and start having babies.  She reminded me that I am 26 -- "and not getting any younger, Ashley!"  Sorry I am not sorry, but a little more than that MATTERS TO ME.

And my friend, my best friend from college -- God, we were inseparable -- had the audacity to text me and say "Are u sure boys are the answer?"

Are you f$%@ing KIDDING me?!?!  What?  This is not a lifestyle change!  I have not gone off the deep end, come on!  I am standing up for myself and doing what I think is a very brave thing, here!  (Oh and by the way, it is not 'u', it is y-o-u!  I hate texting sometimes!)

Neither of the examples above left me warm and fuzzy.  Neither of the girls have picked up the phone to actually call me and say hello.  That says enough, thanks.

But now I turn to what I have here.  In the Ohio chapter of my life.  The family and network of folks I have met through Honda have completely blown my doors off.  My girlfriend Belinda has called me to say hello; her husband Yuji helped Zach move out.  I have gone running with another girlfriend from work. 

My work partners Charlie and Quinn will mean so much to me for a long time coming.  Charlie, who would watch me in that First Week, and every time I would get quiet, or stand off to the side by myself, would reel me back in and ask me what my thoughts were on some project at work.  Or do something clumsy like he always does, to distract me and just make me absolutely laugh.

And Quinn, who is a year or two past 30 years old and just as much a pain in my ass, has helped be a great 'older brother' figure to talk me through some things and give me some advice.

Then you've got Snake, my built-in Ohio Dad that has the striking likeness to Nintendo's Mario character, but the temper of an actual snake -- who nearly brought me to tears when he surprised me one day by presenting a new kitchen knife block set to me as a gift -- because he had remembered from a conversation weeks prior, that it was an item I was now without, even though it was miniscule and I was OK with that.  He remembered!  Gestures like that prove to me that if someone really wants to be there for you or do something nice out of their heart, by God, they will do it.  Wow.

Now pile in all of the other second- and third-tier associates at work that I usually just pass by, and how they are also being thoughtful and sending good vibes my way.  Folks that work on the assembly line; my team leaders and production coordinators that I usually only make small talk with; and the folks who really watch for you, and walk with you for a bit and say, "Hey, I heard......"

Everyone has been very sincere and backing me up.  They understand what I am trying to do.  They can hear the sting when I explain how some of my "friends" have treated me.  They admire what I am about.  They leave me with the impression that they want to learn more about my personality, my beliefs; the energy and fearless attitude I have sometimes, yet they also protect me because they know the things I just will not stoop down to do.  Affectionately, I am known as Their Girl from Wisconsin!  Say what you will about our work expectations and working in a factory setting sometimes, but there are a lot of really incredible, genuinely good people at Honda.  In the middle of farmtown Ohio, you would never know.

Hence why I make the comment in one of my earlier posts about how I feel like Jack and the Beanstalk, and my coworkers are my magic beans.  They have reached out to leave an impact on me and in so so many ways, they have succeeded.  I even make a point to always keep my life pretty private, but the good eggs still find a way to get through, just when you need it.  I am left speechless.  I feel sick to my stomach and could cry, if I ever thought about leaving them.  They have built me up so much, and I have utmost respect for each of these people, in return.  I love my job.  I love the people at my job.  I love how we are our own small village.  I get myself into more stuff in one day at work, than a lot of people will ever know.  I thrive off that mystery.  I love being hands-on.  And for all of this side of Honda that I have been given, I am thankful.

For that, I see where I can turn and jumpstart my momentum again.