Relationships

Yeah, more like relationshits.

As the boys at work know, and are so patiently putting up with me as I go through this, I am currently on a man hex.  A penis embargo, if you will.  Sorry, but you all suck.  Sometimes you are so heartless and definitely from a different planet!

No, this does not mean I am going the way of women.  You men drive me nuts, but I still can't live without ya.  Women are psycho and manipulative; I will volunteer to stand up and say that about my own kind.

Yes, I will date again and yes, I do miss the feeling of having that partner, that best friend.  I miss it every day.  And no, that does not mean saying 'sure I'll go out with you on a Friday night!' to the first guy that jumps off the assembly line at Honda.

Time to nix the comical crap and ripping on some of my readers.  (Yes, I know you are out there).

Instead I'll cut into my insides and share a pretty vulnerable part of me.  So please take this entry seriously, because these words are like me standing naked in front of the crowd!  And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

I have had a very rough year, it has definitely been my time in the barrel.  And I have learned a LOT. 

To begin:
Do you ever notice that girls typically go through and date different "categories" of guys?  Note: you can mix and match across the categories.

Let's see....there's the Jock.  There's the Intellect.  The armchair-quarterback politician.  There's the Emo-man.  The musician, the Rocker.  The Guy with a Motorcycle.  Mr. Businessman in a suit and tie.  The Hunk that is a little full of himself.  Oh, and we can't forget The Handy Man!  Rawr.

I am no different.  I have been thinking back to each dating relationship I have had, and the lessons learned from each one.  They're pretty profound to me, and despite the pain, embarrassment, and bruised egos, I am grateful to have had each relationship, to shape me.  I realize what I am about to type is pretty harsh and to the point, but sometimes that is just what we all need, right?  This is my moment of honesty.

#1) TJ was The Liberal.  The "Artist."  I had all of my 'firsts' with him, so he taught me the ways of puppy love and what it was to give and take and actually be in a relationship!  He also taught me that all guys will have different quirks about them, you just need to decide which ones are lovable and healthy, versus which ones make you want to run.  Fast.

#2) Joe was The Asshole with the sports car.  Actually, it was a washed-up used black Ford Mustang, the every-man's pony car that drove like a piece of shit.  Seriously, in just a dusting of snow that thing would not even get up and off the ground.  I can't tell you how many times it was my day to drive that thing around school or go pick him up from work, and I was cursing it.  It was laughable compared to my Beetle.  Well, most other cars are... ;-) Joe was my first long-term relationship, but he taught me how to stand up for myself, and how to be patient.  He also taught me when to cut the cords when you realize you are about to sign yourself up for a life of being partnerned up with a total dick.

#3) Zach was Mr. Perfect Comfortable.  Again, I realize I have to be cautious about what I type here, because this is the first boyfriend that knew about this blog, read it regularly when we were together, and still checks it once every three months (hey, how are you doing out there?).

Actually I have a lot to type about this one.  Many, many nights of laying awake in bed staring at the ceiling over this one.  Some days I wish I could counsel young women or high school girls that think They've Found It All, and warn them of the tales of the hardest decisions I've had to make, myself.

This relationship taught me a lot.  So much.  I can confidently say that this is the first relationship that I actually tried to give 150%, day and night, for years.  I learned what it meant to try to give someone unconditional love.  I learned how to fall for their family.  I learned how to compromise -- and that is something REALLY tough for me!  Did you know that the word stubborn is actually spelled U-L-L-M-E-R??

However, this relationship also taught me that you think you can have it all, you think you can live the life of a freaking Disney movie, when really it will all come crumbling down if there is just that little 'something' missing.  And it is better to catch it now, than just close your eyes and take the leap, only to wake up 10 years down the road and think "Oh my God, what have I done?" 

Now, stop.  Right here.  There are many, many women that will stop at this point and think This Is It.  And they will marry this man, this Disney character.  They will jump off the deep end, have the kids, the family dog, the mini-van, the whole nine yards.  But it takes a very strong dose of discernability to look past this and not just settle.  Very few women manage to make it past this level.

Realize that Mr. Perfect may be prim and proper, treat you like a princess, be well-versed, and yes-sir your father up and down.....when really this whole facade is covering a much, much darker side to him. 

I read a phrase today, and it grabbed me right in the gut and twisted a little bit while it was there -- because it applies to me and what my defining moment was in my relationship with Zach!

I'd rather be sorry than safe.

You have to find the person that will be your counterpoint.  You have to find the person that will challenge you, one that you have a natural chemistry with.  And you have to realize that you cannot help at all who you are attracted to.  Sometimes it just comes up and bites you square in the ass.  Drumroll, please: that is the biggest, biggest, most profound lesson I have learned.  And it was actually from none of the men listed in this entry, but from one that is completely heads and shoulders above them.

You can have an imaginary wish list or checklist of 'criterion' that you want your ideal partner to fufill.  (And women, you are so typical of this, again.  Hell, I am one of the lucky ones that got to experience my list in Zach, but look what I realized once I got there!)  Anyway, that one guy will come along and meet nearly nothing on that "list."   However, he will suddenly make you feel that ever having that list was so foolish and feeble.  And that guy will absolutely knock you off your feet!  Screw the list, it is bunk.


Alas, I made the bold move to give it all up, because I did not want to settle.  I did not want to just be 'comfortable.'  I am holding out for that chemistry, even if it's back home and I have to go out and conquer the world first.  And in a way, each of these boys have reminded me to avoid stepping off into that pitfall.  To not settle. 

Thanks, fellas.  And to everyone here: thanks for reading what I had to share today.